I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
