Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
you had me at cake vodka
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
