well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Sober January is a disaster.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
