I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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