My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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