I think I died a long time ago.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
