ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
