you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize