Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Randomize
