so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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