oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
