My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
