I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
