just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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