i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
