did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
