i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
