Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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