why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
