I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
