I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
