we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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