your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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