just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
