my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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