You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
