That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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