he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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