the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
