I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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