ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
