By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
