Porn is love you can see.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
