I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize