He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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