I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
