Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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