When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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