why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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