are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
