god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize