If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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