God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
