Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
