last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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