I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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