there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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