last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
