every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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