Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Panties = found
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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