It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
