I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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