I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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