My cat gives me a boner
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
