I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
