Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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