I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
