Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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