If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
